Le partenze deficienti, le vacanze ignoranti

Dopo una vita da globe-trotter di viaggi pazzi, in condizioni disperate, in solitaria, in gruppo, pianificati, all’avventura, turista ce sarai te, io sono viaggiatrice, a contatto con i locali, a cogliere lo spirito vero del luogo, a mangiare con le mani, ad emozionarsi sgranocchiando cavallette tostate davanti a un tramonto, ad abbeverarsi dalle pozzanghere come lo gnu, Mdm2 si è cacata il cazzo. 

Ha provato negli ultimi 4 anni a replicare lo stesso schema, perché insomma, li avete visti gli australiani? Non lo sanno manco loro dove abitano nel globo, eppure te li ritrovi dappertutto con questi bambini zozzissimi. E i francesi? I francesi li odiano i bambini, eppure se li trascinano ovunque a fare le vacanze che dicono loro. Poi sulla spiaggia quando il figlio da sotto la sua tendina Decathlon dentro la quale lo hanno saldato dice: “Maman, avrei un pelo di fame”, Maman lo guarda con il libro in mano, gli risponde senza mai alzare la voce: “Lo vedo”, lo sfama con una carezza elegantissima e si gira di nuovo a farsi i cazzi suoi. Protocollo esteso ed applicato anche alla politica internazionale.
Dalla nascita della figlia, che assumeremo convenzionalmente come Anno Zero, per Mdm2 le vacanze hanno smesso di essere tali. Solo un grande, immenso, smisurato bucio di culo con l’eco.
E allora ciao partenze intelligenti.
Io quest’anno voglio le vacanze ignoranti: vado al villaggio all inclusive, con il buffet sempiterno e autorigenerante, con il miniclub, lo schiavo che mi mette l’ombrellone tutte le mattine e il lettino attaccato all’anca della vicina. Non mi importa. Voglio passare una settimana a valutare i tempi della sua ricrescita inguinale. Voglio guardare gli animatori bullizzare gli ospiti davanti a tutta la spiaggia durante il gioco aperitivo e trovarli super simpatici. Voglio tirarmi per andare a cena come quei cavalli arabi ai quali fanno le trecce, mettono frange sulla sella e appongono specchietti anche all’ano. Voglio ballare le cazzo di Cicale tutte le sere, voglio bere amari locali a costo zero e cocktail pieni di ghiaccio carissimi, voglio essere rapinata ma col sorriso; voglio la discoteca dove Gigi Dag ancora se la comanda, e infine voglio lasciare recensioni su Trip Advisor in cui saluto Lello del bar che è troppo un bomber.

Ciao Mdm1, goditi il tuo tour culturale dell’Andalusia o dove cazzo sei- perché in una settimana di messaggi e comunicazioni interrotte da connessioni a 56k e figlie che urlano straziate dalle ferie, non siamo neanche riuscite a capire dove si trovi l’altra.

Mdm2 ti saluta DAL VILLAGGIO PER FAMIGLIE. In un punto qualsiasi dell’Italia.

( Nelle stories di Instagram potete seguire in tempo reale questi preziosi momenti di condivisione familiare. Non farete fatica a distinguere l’una e l’altra. Mdm1 è quella che del viaggiodimerda , Mdm2 quella delle vacanze ignoranti).

5 commenti

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